everything's about love until you find out the price

"i'm not suggesting an abrupt break with the present, but a patient rebalancing of the scales. the project will not be fast, cheap, or easy. fast, cheap , and easy is what we have at the moment; they are the cardinal virtues upon which our economy rests (and if they also happen to be the very adjectives you don't want attached to your child, well, that should give you a little pause). the word we use to sum up these virtues is "efficiency," and on its altar we have sacrificed a good deal: our small farms were inefficient compared with factory farms; our local retailers were inefficient compared with wal-mart; having free time is inefficient compared with working more hours. relationships were inefficient compared with things. and, in a certain, limited sense, each of these ideas is correct. if you leave certain factors (pollution, say, and unhappiness) out of account, we've built a society more efficient than any the world has ever seen.

but the time has come to throw some grit into the works."

-bill mckibben from deep economy

i like this, and i guess i would. as someone who has come out of a year living in an intentional community and treehouse in the jungle, i'm overwhelmed by the rapid pace and impatience i witness in everyday american life. so many times i want to throw on the brakes, "throw some grit into the works," and re-examine the conversations, circumstances, and actions i've been involved in, and most often it just doesn't fly. now, i'm not being judgmental, just taking an inventory of what is going on and how it is making us all feel.

as a participant in the craziness, i get caught up in it all too. a couple weeks ago i was at a bar getting a drink with the man i was interested in at that moment. a lot of our conversations were focused on the idea of trust, or (my) lack of trust (in him), between individuals and how this is a microcosm of what is going on in larger systems, the economy, environment, development and infrastructure, healthcare, international relations, etc. etc.

i reiterate: we're looking for fast, cheap, and efficient.

so anyways, there we are in the middle of another of those conversations and i see an old acquaintenance from my high school years come into the bar. he had been one of those the pretty, popular people, and apparently still was. i couldn't help but be irritated by the way his eyes would rest on me and then immediately flit off to some other corner of the room when i smiled and waved. in fact i was downright p.o. ed by it, of all things, and right in the middle of our conversation about, like, saving the children.

why? because it's a microcosm of a macrocosm. let's just all say hello to our neighbors, huh? let's make more connections and maybe we would feel more obligation to each other when we're all scrambling our way to the top. and after we've done this, we're a bit more fit to take that bigger step: let's acknowledge we all share this world and that other beings are going to try to share it too after we're gone.

but that's a big step, and while i believe always in the potential for improvement, i can't help but be discouraged by these overwhelming, self-perpetuating pressures driving us all apart. after all, i wanted to punch that guy who refused to smile back at me in the face. wow. and i'd say i'm pretty forgiving and understanding, i bet quite a few of my friends could vouch for me on this too...so talk about some vicious, multi-dimensional cycles we've got going on here.

okay okay, i know instant revolution would be about as nourishing for us all as a big mac. but really now, aren't we done here? let's put something over the stove to simmer, as far as taking the time out for other people goes. now excuse me, i have to give my dad a hug.

it's a tough job, but someone has to do it

i'm trying something new on these days called boldness, particularly when it comes to future employment and love opportunities. so far it just means i've sent out a few resumes to jobs i'm not sure i'm totally qualified for in places i have never considered living (meaning, cities besides portland, seattle, or eugene) and that i've taken the initiative to exchange some texts with my new mr. fascinating. ok, ok, i must admit i'm not entirely thrilled with the results, but i'm staying hopeful for something interesting to happen with a continued effort.

it also means that i took the liberty to burn the new britney spears album because i shamelessly adore "womanizer." tisk tisk. maybe i need to rethink the blushing damsel routine.

but let's focus on the back patting, here are some more of my new and improved habits: weekly reading of the economist magazine, flossing, lots of home-cooking, daily spanish and bellydancing exercises, spoiling myself only every once in a while as opposed to incessantly, and maintaining contact with all those friends far away. maybe i haven't quite reached the road to success, and i know i've only been home for a week and a half, but at least i'm not floating as far above planet earth as i was before. so let me know if you want to play adult with me and get a drink and discuss current events...or boys...or crystals.

it's an ugly (but oh so sweet) journey

so now that i'm back in the states, jobless, carless, living in my parent's basement with nobody but my whole three friends from high school to chat with, i begin to ponder the love thing.

and i started this back in costa rica when i flung myself into a relationship type thing with (hold the laughter) manfred. "por ti," i recall him telling me one morning, "nada es tranquilla." now despite being one of the biggest thugs in paraiso, the guy shocked me again and again with his insight and intuition. there were other problems at the time, our situation wasn't comfortable for me for many reasons. one being that he was, as previously stated, one of the biggest thugs in paraiso, and i was living at a place that was trying to establish itself as something serious and seperate from the whole crazy, druggie, alternative, american scene (i was, perhaps, detrimental to these efforts). no, i couldn't settle in with manfred for many reasons, and tranquilla is hardly a good descriptor for me anyways. especially in love.

there have been men since chris, of course, one that i would even say was quite serious. but there has always been this sort of distance from which i have conducted myself, naturally i suppose. after all, i don't know how shattered a heart could get earlier this year; everyday i was wishing for some way to sew up the two halves of mine that were barely holding on to each other beneath my ribcage. as i always have been in love, i was silly and attentive and caring to whoever i was with, but ultimately trying to figure out how the hell i was going to get back to tacoma and to chris.

now with my cupid of a friend jill scouting out every potential in town for me, i find myself actually quite interested and excited instead of wanting to die and hide from these men. now here's another curveball from the depths of one ready to move on! my intuition is of course what has been making open to the new possibilities, but the moment my ego gets the chance i'm filled with doubt: doubt that i can find the courage and strength to embark on anything with anyone new ever, doubt that such an opportunity even exists, and of course the abismal fear of how i will be ravaged this time if i truly decide to let someone in.

most disturbing to me is the letting go that is happening right now and how, paradoxically, it feels so right to allow it to happen. i want to hang on to the hope things will change but, realistically speaking, i have no plans to go back to tacoma, i have no plans to see or talk with chris anytime soon, and ultimately i have moved well beyond the road that would have been "our" life together. in many ways, i have let go already and am excited about the freedom with which it has left me. right now it's just about shutting up that dark little voice known as my ego, letting myself revel in what is good, and ultimately enjoying being young and single and free with a whole world of experiences ahead of me. it's called nonattachment, i suppose, and the emptiness that comes is not something void of life but something completely fertile though unknown and yes, lacking a certain someone. whoa, brilliance. easier said than done.

ok, i thought i owed you something meaty after months of rushed entries and negligence. back to the job and friend hunt.

back into the swing of things

for the life of me i can't figure out how to put together an outfit anymore. it's like...what?! you mean i really DO own more than three hopelessly stained and ripped shirts and two pairs of pants?! HURRAY! but honestly, what the hell do i do with all this now...

i'm sure i will adjust, just like i've already come to terms with my comfy bed, warm shower, and excessively large music collection (crazy how it happens so quickly). i figure as long as i can hold on to this gratefulness i have right now i've come quite a way.

for now, small steps. i'm getting back into a regular yoga and meditation routine, indulging in earl grey tea with milk and honey, planning themed outings with jill and chelsea, reading amy tan and bill mckibben, and signing up for african drum and dance classes with the beautiful man i met at the boise co-op yesterday.

i still need a job, and prospects are not looking so good there right now. oh yeah, i think i can recall reading about how the economy sucks up here while i was in costa rica. anybody know of another treehouse i can bunker down in? or perhaps, an appropriate line of work. i'm a creative writing major with the most scattered resume in the world (why oh why do i insist on trying just about everything?!), but at least i'm adaptable and friendly.

but the point of this all is that i'm settling in. there's this part of the whole costa rica experience that seems dreamlike to me, a feeling i'm trying to let go of. i don't think it's healthy to compartmentalize experiences in my life, they are all one and interconnected and integral and indicative of the "real" me. not only that, but i think that claiming my experiences there were something seperate from what is going on in my life now will disable them from fully nourishing me the way they should. oh boy, do i have a lot to take in from the good, bad, and ugly of that trip. here's to growth and focus.

another cycle begins

seems our last couple of weeks at el centro verde are destined to be our busiest. with our newest partner in crime matt adding a fresh view to the whole operation, the planting has begun for the summer garden. i just wish i hadn´t already dropped that inertia so long ago. yet another time of transition has begun for me, and i´m wondering where i´ll end up, what lessons i will take with me, what i´ll end up missing.

meanwhile, i´m losing the focus i had at the beginning of this trip. what did i want to get out of this? where do i go from here? how long am i really going to survive back in idaho? and how am i ever going to get all the alone time i really need to act like a normal human being?

i fear, sometimes, i´m just going to be a rootless wanderer forever. sometimes i revel in it. but a conversation over breakfast this morning made me realize that more and more i´m searching for the guts to really spread something deep and vast. trusting that it will happen in the right place at the right time is key too, and then allowing it to take its course. communion will happen again i know, trusting in my independance right now is just so difficult because i constantly question this fact. i also question whether or not i am mature enough to be able to start closing those doors that will only distract me in the long run.

wow, how vague can i be? all this craziness in costa rica goes down and i´m still caught up in my head.

but i´ve been drawing quite a bit, and that´s refreshing (holy crap i´ve seen some growth in this area). been writing a bit too and that´s more of the same. cultivating confidence in my abilities should be first on my list of things to do, from there i feel i can catapult to anywhere.

missing all my people around the world.

there´s nothing wrong with having plans

i spent the election day planning my tattoo with an artist in tamarindo. i can´t seem to make a smart investment in the financial or employment realm due to processes i can´t control, or in the love realm due to my inability to capitalize on processes i can control, so i might as well use the assets i do have wisely and get inked.

it´s going to be, like, this crazyswirlyhibiscusthing starting at my shoulder blade and ending right above my elbow.

and for the record i am happy that obama won, but i´m enough of a cynic to think that the most difficult times for change still lie ahead. actually, if you ask me, i think this is me at my most practical. duh, of course the most difficult times are ahead. and i´m not saying that everyone else has these sugar coated illusions about it, i´m just weary of the whole politics thing and it makes it hard to get excited. but i really hope that this tide will swell, i want change and in a big big way though i know it´s not realistic. my romantic side is showing through...

for now, i´m continuing to fight fleas, nurse hangovers and an oh so red and swollen right ankle, and dream of future novios and funs and comfy beds to come. i´m starting to really feel this loneliness thing settle in and with less than a month to go in costa rica, i´m finding myself in the awkward position of continuing on with the fun times with a certain less than perfect someone or just biting the bullet and being by myself for a while. goddess forbid, it´s been YEARS, and i know i´m perfectly good and whole as i am. although, i´ve never been one to turn down a kiss or a cuddle even when i know i´m going to wake up the next day and wonder why oh why i settle for the reckless, inattentive types when i crave exactly the opposite.

recalling a little bit of the heart of now workshop, insert ¨up until now¨ at the beginning of that last sentence. we´ll start from here.

loco loco loco

so i got a message via facebook this afternoon that my lovely friend riki might be visiting me in a couple of weeks. honestly, i love that i have someone in my life with both the resources and spunk to respond to my request that she visit me in costa rica with a quick and emphatic yes.

i can't believe it's the end of october and i'm so sunburnt i can hardly move. it feels great though. yesterday aimee and i went to playa negra with a new friend to check out the surfing scene. i must admit to being impressed, and completely tempted by the whole outing. i'm sure you're all thinking to yourselves that yes, it is a scene i could get myself into. i love the sun, the ocean, the thrill, and ummmmm, the rest of the gear shall we say that goes with the lifestyle. although, admittedly, i may be put off by the whole macho factor.

but the macho thing is something you have to get used to, living in rural costa rica. i've come to accept that there seems to be quite a few things that, while they're not viewed as virtuous, people simply turn a supposed blind eye too. infidelity, for instance, and lying. ok, that's a harsh critique that also has a heavy emotional bias due to recent events. if anything, it just goes to illuminate how every place has it's eccentricities and how no one group of people has everything all figured out. because in the united states even, we're a long way from joining hands and singing in unity with all, although perhaps we talk about wanting and wishing and hoping and praying for it a bit more. keyword really being we talk. we're all just trying to stay in the game here, and it requires different plays and fouls given different circumstances.

gosh i've gotten attached to paraiso. aimee and i are in tamarindo for a treat this weekend and, surrounded by all the shopping and tourists and food and luxury, are finding ourselves thinking that maybe we should head on to the homefront to party with our people on saturday night. we have new novios to woo, and the local dance to make an appearance at. we'll see how it goes, i'm totally psyched for pizza and beer tonight.

now i'm wondering if i dare tear myself away from my sunny surf paradise to view the news of recent days. always a bummer. and there's a part of me that somehow wishes i could just turn away from it, disappear into my little treehouse and tropical sunsets and all that goodness. after all, if other people haven't found pura vida, maybe i should just let them fight it out a bit more before they either do or destroy themselves. but i'm a lover of humanity and an idealist at heart, not an escapist. if anything is bound to go down in this world i'm sure i'll find myself in the front and center of the chaos, hopefully helping, but probably just making a mess of everything like everyone else. i guess you just have to do what feels right.

i keep thinking about teaching and writing and dance and the pacific northwest, and i'm thinking these are things that could sustain me for the long haul. perhaps they are my center.

for now, it's hot here in tamarindo, and i'm thinking i need another refresco before getting down to the business of living it up.

the prom queens of paraiso

well, i suppose i´ve lost a lot of my readers. good thinking, right? start a blog and THEN move to a treehouse without electricity and expect to keep it updated. aye.

i guess i also thought i would have more to say when i got the chance. trust me, it´s not that i don´t have stories, it´s just been a lot to process a lot of the time. most of the time. for better or for worse, aimee and i can hardly go a day without something completely baffling happening to us.

this week, it was an invasion of army ants rousing us from bed and forcing us to high-tail it down the hill. the few weeks before, fleas. and the list goes on.

it´s interesting to notice the spanish words that i´m picking up on. a lot have to do with insects and insect bites. and the playa and cervezas. i´ve been impressed with my ability to learn the language, but am need of more practice. the treehouse isn´t exactly the happening spot of paraiso.

no, no, the happening spot is what aimee and i create on the weekends, when we drink and dance our faces off much to the amusement of the locals. and every week we swear we´re not going to make a scene again, but inevitably our greed and need for fun wins out. then again, i suppose we have made a few friends, and every monday when we go on our walk through paraiso the neighbors all shout from their porches, "mucho bailando sabado! mucho bailando!"

hence the self-proclaimed nicknames i´ve alluded to in the title.

so i guess while my circumstances change, some things will just never fall suite. and others are just bound to, as i hope upon my return i will be able to fully appreciate how cushy my life has been this far. i don´t want to fall back into the normal routine of consume and work and complain (ok, i´ve never wanted to ever but geez, i do live in the united states right, it´s easy to fall into this pattern on many different levels). what i do want is to really feel that gratitude for all the blessings in my life, even for the hard lessons i needed to learn.

i guess this is a pretty rushed and vague sort of entry, huh? but how do you cover a month and a half adequately. perhaps i should just start with the moment, forget the catch-up. the moment is what counts right?

at this moment i´m in santa cruz, about 30 kilometers west of paraiso. aimee and i just finished a big breakfast of tortillas, local cheese, rice, beens, eggs, and fried plantains (i did mention we get a bit greedy right?) after this we´re on our way to the farmer´s market to stock up on fresh fruit and veggies and then we´re hoping to buy a party outfit for our big trip to playa tamarindo next weekend. we have regular saturday night dates that we have to get back for, which are another set of complicated stories to share at a later time, and then a big dance at playa junquillal.

granted, this is no normal day in the treehouse. when we go out we go out. and while our living situation is the perfect opportunity for me to practice mindful living, it´s a sad fact that it´s often what i´m not doing due to the lack of activity and conveniences. but that´s why they say you must practice mindful living, right? practice practice practice. i´ll let you in on it, as soon as i have the faculties and the internet connection.

miss and love you all.

and this fortress will be stormed

somehow the reality of this "rainy season" business didn't hit me until yesterday.

i mean, i call the pacific northwest my home. right?

but i guess i finally realized i'm not usually spending the northwest winters in a treehouse without electricity. bah. aimee keeps having visions of us in the dark, i keep having visions of us trying to harvest our coconuts on the beach with the waves crashing and the lightning and thunder raging (though i must admit, we're usually smiling as we're thrashing about with the elements).

so i decided to go all out on the "gear" to help me deal. i must admit, i'm usually a bit cheap on this stuff, but if i'm going to be without electricity i'm going to make sure i've got the tools to make this living simply thing, well, simple. i bought myself a swiss army knife, a travel french press (cause honestly when my coffee situation isn't looking good, i'm looking even worse), a better flashlight and headlamp, rechargeable batteries, herbal relief for just about any symptom i could encounter (no really, ANY symptom at all), rainproofness like what, as well as, FINALLY, a diva cup!

good grief, last 24 hours with my computer and all my music. that is what is going to be the rough part for yours truly. i am blasting the crystal method and tool while i can, blasting it so loud. after that, the REAL jungle music starts. i'm bringing my fire poi.

so surprisingly, i'm feeling good right about now. anxious for this journey to begin? absolutely. hoping that hurricane ike's escapades don't make traveling difficult? of course. but if anything i've learned that in challenging myself, i only gain a greater insight into what makes me tick. this year has been amazing for that, the past 4 months alone has completely changed my entire capacity to handle myself and the world at large (i.e. i'm stunning).

and mostly, it happened by me stepping up and acting on what i felt i wanted to manifest in my life, even if it scared me, and even if i knew things were probably never going to be the same (i was in so many safe, comfortable, patterns you see). i think it all came down to asking myself, "what do i REALLY want (or don't want)?" and "what can i REALLY sacrifice?" and finding a way to make it all balance, AND THEN defending this balance so this JOY thing can happen. i'm not saying i'm there, i'm just saying that a year ago i could have only dreamed of having the capacity and courage to do something like this.

now it's like, "duh, OF COURSE i'm going to go live in a treehouse without electricity. why not?" and then people nod as if to say, "why yes yes, you strong independant woman you!"

if i have anything to lose, it's the few pounds that a major break-up, followed by a summer working in a yummy organic kitchen, and a decadent few weeks in italy with the family will bestow.

so i've got some extra padding, errrr i mean armor, to storm this fortress (or, uh, be stormed).

clever got me this far

in keeping true to my nostalgia kick, i raided lily's online photo stash a few nights ago. check out those two, aren't they beautiful? the first is of the swimming hole which was a favorite hang-out of mine during the summer, and the second is of a sunset over lost valley. okay, they're certainly not a definitive documentation of my stay, but they're a little something to chew on while i rant and rave about my dissatisfaction with the boise social scene (which to be absolutely clear, has nothing to do with my continued awe and admiration for my beautiful friends jill and jenisis, who never cease to amaze me with their charms and confidence).

but thank goodness for friends' cameras, i'm once again reminded of how i need to manifest one of my own into my life. so many people and places left undocumented visually, so many missed opportunities to indulge my nostalgia! and we all know a picture is worth a thousand words, a camera may save me some breath!

so on to the good times! to begin with, there are no freaky people in boise, both a blessing and a curse for those of us who tend towards that persuasion. cool cool, no one forgets my name or face but gosh that makes me feel like a total goon a lot of the time.

in case you didn't know, i'm not cool, just terribly uninterested in mainstream america and the dramas that go along with it (and yes that means sarah palin people...the only thing that gets me is how mortally offended i am by the media coverage of her and her daughter...but she still won't get my vote...). so please, don't expect that much more unless it's one of my good days, then by all means expect a rock star. and a funny one at that.

but, long story short, it IS easy to make friends if i happen to cross paths with another dready, grungy, tattoed human out and about in boise. like a couple nights ago. my new friend walks in, checks out the scene, we make eye contact, and BOOM i've got myself a partner in crime. a double whisky on the rocks for each of us and we knew it was meant to be.

haha, almost as easy as making friends in eugene. almost.

all this mingling about doesn't do much for me though. if anything it leaves me with a sick feeling that something is missing. someone is missing...with which i have depth and history and trust and all that good stuff. i admit it now to get it out of the way, no pretenses, no fooling: i can't stop thinking about chris. if you ask me how i am, that's how i am, thinking about chris. not about how i wish we were together right now (hellooooooo costa rica!!), but just how i wish our relationship was evolving like i thought it would when i left back in may. a million sighs.

wow, enough of this broken record. back to the hot topic...

i know i came to boise to live hedonistically for a week before heading off to costa rica, but honestly i'm done with it. give me fun yes, but not all the drinking and smoking and fending off guys who obviously want nothing more than to get into my pants (i'm shocked my the number of classy individuals who will, in fact, state this intention). a hello and good-bye to you, single, heterosexual, american bar life. this has been a nice break, but i need a bit more intention and sobriety and challenges and learning and a lot better music right about now.

what's on the agenda today? a nice long hike in the foothills, a trip to art in the park, stocking up on supplies at the co-op and rei, and then (uh-oh) a late absentee gemini birthday celebration at jill's. let's just keep our fingers crossed that i won't end this birthday night by rolling around in a ditch somewhere.

so my shit's in boise now

hah!

had you told me this was to be my future about a month ago...well i don't know what i would have done but it would have been along the lines of a hearty knee slap and a raised eyebrow or two. but now, all traumatic morning good-bye's at lost valley aside, i'm psyched about the excuse to make my parent's place homebase again. i've finally found my way back to boise, at least temporarily. and as for my sparkly shirts, big boots, and dancing pants, they've found a safe haven to recuperate and renew for a while (perhaps they are a bit fatigued from the summer's excursions, and need the deep relaxation that will most certainly be found in my parent's basement).

the only downside is it's as cold here as it was in oregon. i was hoping for the desert to hold on to summer with a bit more fervor, but i guess there's no getting around it. september is here, summer is over, my shit is in boise, and in just a week i'll be dealing with all the damn rain down in costa rica.

i say that with all my love and excitement of course.

and it's a good thing too, because this morning (after wrenching myself from nick and lily and dragging myself into audrey's car) there was a bit of despair, a bit of loss, all things to be expected from leaving such a lovely place.

and then i thought, yeah lost valley is a lovely place that i will certainly see again. and that helped a little.

but still, i was having a few issues letting go. it seems like just yesterday i was moving into the barn loft with nick (oh there's one to the heart!), feeling a bit unsteady on my feet, and completely incapable of fathoming all the thrills and woes and joys the upcoming summer would have in store. though i must admit, that funny feeling i had in my stomach for those delicate few weeks in may was not just a readjustment to the lost valley cuisine, but certainly my body probing the energies around myself and other significant people and warning against some emotional turmoil to come.

so there's still that. but when i think about now, on the flip-side of summer, i'm feeling quite strong and capable and wildly excited for the adventures to come. and i shock myself in my newfound confidence, i'll just strike up conversations with anyone. and why? because i'm STUNNING.

i think i could get used to this. move over misery.

and it all comes back to...

...my breath, and remembering to breathe. these days have found me a bit worked up; my knees feel weak, my head feels light, and not so uncommon are the times when i fumble around in the kitchen where i work looking like a complete goober and trying to remember the last time i permitted myself the luxury of one nice full breath.

why must it be a luxury? because i like the difficult route. apparently.

aaaaaaahhhhhh...

okay, i feel my heart opening a bit, a strengthening in the knees, an awareness of (oh yes!) the earth below me. these are big things, huge things, why they seem so elusive at times baffles me.

but this wasn't meant to be an advertisement of the space cadet that i am, but rather an opening and a welcoming to what i hope can become a useful tool for maintaining connections between my friends. while this is something that has not come naturally for me in the past, more and more i am realizing the importance of continuing to nurture the relationships i develop even after we have parted physically. and this has been happening a lot the past couple of years, and all this moving around doesn't seem like it is going to stop anytime soon. so now as i move on to yet another space and stage in my life i would like to say to you all...i love you, let's keep in touch.

so now that the pleasantries have been exchanged, it's time to sink our teeth into, specifically, what am i all worked up about? oh i love the self-indulgence in blogging! but anyways, it's my last week at lost valley. while i have many issues to address on that manner alone, i'm going to keep it brief for the day (mostly because i have an appointment in the kitchen to make jam with steph and amy), but i would like to note that it is becoming quite a reality for me. finally. as it is hitting me square in the face. and while i feel more than anything it is right for me to be making this transition right now, it doesn't make the waiting any easier. neither does the fact that anytime anyone does something at all cute, i long to fold them up all nice and tidy and pack them away with the rest of my things. talk about baggage.