and this fortress will be stormed

somehow the reality of this "rainy season" business didn't hit me until yesterday.

i mean, i call the pacific northwest my home. right?

but i guess i finally realized i'm not usually spending the northwest winters in a treehouse without electricity. bah. aimee keeps having visions of us in the dark, i keep having visions of us trying to harvest our coconuts on the beach with the waves crashing and the lightning and thunder raging (though i must admit, we're usually smiling as we're thrashing about with the elements).

so i decided to go all out on the "gear" to help me deal. i must admit, i'm usually a bit cheap on this stuff, but if i'm going to be without electricity i'm going to make sure i've got the tools to make this living simply thing, well, simple. i bought myself a swiss army knife, a travel french press (cause honestly when my coffee situation isn't looking good, i'm looking even worse), a better flashlight and headlamp, rechargeable batteries, herbal relief for just about any symptom i could encounter (no really, ANY symptom at all), rainproofness like what, as well as, FINALLY, a diva cup!

good grief, last 24 hours with my computer and all my music. that is what is going to be the rough part for yours truly. i am blasting the crystal method and tool while i can, blasting it so loud. after that, the REAL jungle music starts. i'm bringing my fire poi.

so surprisingly, i'm feeling good right about now. anxious for this journey to begin? absolutely. hoping that hurricane ike's escapades don't make traveling difficult? of course. but if anything i've learned that in challenging myself, i only gain a greater insight into what makes me tick. this year has been amazing for that, the past 4 months alone has completely changed my entire capacity to handle myself and the world at large (i.e. i'm stunning).

and mostly, it happened by me stepping up and acting on what i felt i wanted to manifest in my life, even if it scared me, and even if i knew things were probably never going to be the same (i was in so many safe, comfortable, patterns you see). i think it all came down to asking myself, "what do i REALLY want (or don't want)?" and "what can i REALLY sacrifice?" and finding a way to make it all balance, AND THEN defending this balance so this JOY thing can happen. i'm not saying i'm there, i'm just saying that a year ago i could have only dreamed of having the capacity and courage to do something like this.

now it's like, "duh, OF COURSE i'm going to go live in a treehouse without electricity. why not?" and then people nod as if to say, "why yes yes, you strong independant woman you!"

if i have anything to lose, it's the few pounds that a major break-up, followed by a summer working in a yummy organic kitchen, and a decadent few weeks in italy with the family will bestow.

so i've got some extra padding, errrr i mean armor, to storm this fortress (or, uh, be stormed).

clever got me this far

in keeping true to my nostalgia kick, i raided lily's online photo stash a few nights ago. check out those two, aren't they beautiful? the first is of the swimming hole which was a favorite hang-out of mine during the summer, and the second is of a sunset over lost valley. okay, they're certainly not a definitive documentation of my stay, but they're a little something to chew on while i rant and rave about my dissatisfaction with the boise social scene (which to be absolutely clear, has nothing to do with my continued awe and admiration for my beautiful friends jill and jenisis, who never cease to amaze me with their charms and confidence).

but thank goodness for friends' cameras, i'm once again reminded of how i need to manifest one of my own into my life. so many people and places left undocumented visually, so many missed opportunities to indulge my nostalgia! and we all know a picture is worth a thousand words, a camera may save me some breath!

so on to the good times! to begin with, there are no freaky people in boise, both a blessing and a curse for those of us who tend towards that persuasion. cool cool, no one forgets my name or face but gosh that makes me feel like a total goon a lot of the time.

in case you didn't know, i'm not cool, just terribly uninterested in mainstream america and the dramas that go along with it (and yes that means sarah palin people...the only thing that gets me is how mortally offended i am by the media coverage of her and her daughter...but she still won't get my vote...). so please, don't expect that much more unless it's one of my good days, then by all means expect a rock star. and a funny one at that.

but, long story short, it IS easy to make friends if i happen to cross paths with another dready, grungy, tattoed human out and about in boise. like a couple nights ago. my new friend walks in, checks out the scene, we make eye contact, and BOOM i've got myself a partner in crime. a double whisky on the rocks for each of us and we knew it was meant to be.

haha, almost as easy as making friends in eugene. almost.

all this mingling about doesn't do much for me though. if anything it leaves me with a sick feeling that something is missing. someone is missing...with which i have depth and history and trust and all that good stuff. i admit it now to get it out of the way, no pretenses, no fooling: i can't stop thinking about chris. if you ask me how i am, that's how i am, thinking about chris. not about how i wish we were together right now (hellooooooo costa rica!!), but just how i wish our relationship was evolving like i thought it would when i left back in may. a million sighs.

wow, enough of this broken record. back to the hot topic...

i know i came to boise to live hedonistically for a week before heading off to costa rica, but honestly i'm done with it. give me fun yes, but not all the drinking and smoking and fending off guys who obviously want nothing more than to get into my pants (i'm shocked my the number of classy individuals who will, in fact, state this intention). a hello and good-bye to you, single, heterosexual, american bar life. this has been a nice break, but i need a bit more intention and sobriety and challenges and learning and a lot better music right about now.

what's on the agenda today? a nice long hike in the foothills, a trip to art in the park, stocking up on supplies at the co-op and rei, and then (uh-oh) a late absentee gemini birthday celebration at jill's. let's just keep our fingers crossed that i won't end this birthday night by rolling around in a ditch somewhere.

so my shit's in boise now

hah!

had you told me this was to be my future about a month ago...well i don't know what i would have done but it would have been along the lines of a hearty knee slap and a raised eyebrow or two. but now, all traumatic morning good-bye's at lost valley aside, i'm psyched about the excuse to make my parent's place homebase again. i've finally found my way back to boise, at least temporarily. and as for my sparkly shirts, big boots, and dancing pants, they've found a safe haven to recuperate and renew for a while (perhaps they are a bit fatigued from the summer's excursions, and need the deep relaxation that will most certainly be found in my parent's basement).

the only downside is it's as cold here as it was in oregon. i was hoping for the desert to hold on to summer with a bit more fervor, but i guess there's no getting around it. september is here, summer is over, my shit is in boise, and in just a week i'll be dealing with all the damn rain down in costa rica.

i say that with all my love and excitement of course.

and it's a good thing too, because this morning (after wrenching myself from nick and lily and dragging myself into audrey's car) there was a bit of despair, a bit of loss, all things to be expected from leaving such a lovely place.

and then i thought, yeah lost valley is a lovely place that i will certainly see again. and that helped a little.

but still, i was having a few issues letting go. it seems like just yesterday i was moving into the barn loft with nick (oh there's one to the heart!), feeling a bit unsteady on my feet, and completely incapable of fathoming all the thrills and woes and joys the upcoming summer would have in store. though i must admit, that funny feeling i had in my stomach for those delicate few weeks in may was not just a readjustment to the lost valley cuisine, but certainly my body probing the energies around myself and other significant people and warning against some emotional turmoil to come.

so there's still that. but when i think about now, on the flip-side of summer, i'm feeling quite strong and capable and wildly excited for the adventures to come. and i shock myself in my newfound confidence, i'll just strike up conversations with anyone. and why? because i'm STUNNING.

i think i could get used to this. move over misery.