another cycle begins

seems our last couple of weeks at el centro verde are destined to be our busiest. with our newest partner in crime matt adding a fresh view to the whole operation, the planting has begun for the summer garden. i just wish i hadn´t already dropped that inertia so long ago. yet another time of transition has begun for me, and i´m wondering where i´ll end up, what lessons i will take with me, what i´ll end up missing.

meanwhile, i´m losing the focus i had at the beginning of this trip. what did i want to get out of this? where do i go from here? how long am i really going to survive back in idaho? and how am i ever going to get all the alone time i really need to act like a normal human being?

i fear, sometimes, i´m just going to be a rootless wanderer forever. sometimes i revel in it. but a conversation over breakfast this morning made me realize that more and more i´m searching for the guts to really spread something deep and vast. trusting that it will happen in the right place at the right time is key too, and then allowing it to take its course. communion will happen again i know, trusting in my independance right now is just so difficult because i constantly question this fact. i also question whether or not i am mature enough to be able to start closing those doors that will only distract me in the long run.

wow, how vague can i be? all this craziness in costa rica goes down and i´m still caught up in my head.

but i´ve been drawing quite a bit, and that´s refreshing (holy crap i´ve seen some growth in this area). been writing a bit too and that´s more of the same. cultivating confidence in my abilities should be first on my list of things to do, from there i feel i can catapult to anywhere.

missing all my people around the world.

there´s nothing wrong with having plans

i spent the election day planning my tattoo with an artist in tamarindo. i can´t seem to make a smart investment in the financial or employment realm due to processes i can´t control, or in the love realm due to my inability to capitalize on processes i can control, so i might as well use the assets i do have wisely and get inked.

it´s going to be, like, this crazyswirlyhibiscusthing starting at my shoulder blade and ending right above my elbow.

and for the record i am happy that obama won, but i´m enough of a cynic to think that the most difficult times for change still lie ahead. actually, if you ask me, i think this is me at my most practical. duh, of course the most difficult times are ahead. and i´m not saying that everyone else has these sugar coated illusions about it, i´m just weary of the whole politics thing and it makes it hard to get excited. but i really hope that this tide will swell, i want change and in a big big way though i know it´s not realistic. my romantic side is showing through...

for now, i´m continuing to fight fleas, nurse hangovers and an oh so red and swollen right ankle, and dream of future novios and funs and comfy beds to come. i´m starting to really feel this loneliness thing settle in and with less than a month to go in costa rica, i´m finding myself in the awkward position of continuing on with the fun times with a certain less than perfect someone or just biting the bullet and being by myself for a while. goddess forbid, it´s been YEARS, and i know i´m perfectly good and whole as i am. although, i´ve never been one to turn down a kiss or a cuddle even when i know i´m going to wake up the next day and wonder why oh why i settle for the reckless, inattentive types when i crave exactly the opposite.

recalling a little bit of the heart of now workshop, insert ¨up until now¨ at the beginning of that last sentence. we´ll start from here.