everything's about love until you find out the price

"i'm not suggesting an abrupt break with the present, but a patient rebalancing of the scales. the project will not be fast, cheap, or easy. fast, cheap , and easy is what we have at the moment; they are the cardinal virtues upon which our economy rests (and if they also happen to be the very adjectives you don't want attached to your child, well, that should give you a little pause). the word we use to sum up these virtues is "efficiency," and on its altar we have sacrificed a good deal: our small farms were inefficient compared with factory farms; our local retailers were inefficient compared with wal-mart; having free time is inefficient compared with working more hours. relationships were inefficient compared with things. and, in a certain, limited sense, each of these ideas is correct. if you leave certain factors (pollution, say, and unhappiness) out of account, we've built a society more efficient than any the world has ever seen.

but the time has come to throw some grit into the works."

-bill mckibben from deep economy

i like this, and i guess i would. as someone who has come out of a year living in an intentional community and treehouse in the jungle, i'm overwhelmed by the rapid pace and impatience i witness in everyday american life. so many times i want to throw on the brakes, "throw some grit into the works," and re-examine the conversations, circumstances, and actions i've been involved in, and most often it just doesn't fly. now, i'm not being judgmental, just taking an inventory of what is going on and how it is making us all feel.

as a participant in the craziness, i get caught up in it all too. a couple weeks ago i was at a bar getting a drink with the man i was interested in at that moment. a lot of our conversations were focused on the idea of trust, or (my) lack of trust (in him), between individuals and how this is a microcosm of what is going on in larger systems, the economy, environment, development and infrastructure, healthcare, international relations, etc. etc.

i reiterate: we're looking for fast, cheap, and efficient.

so anyways, there we are in the middle of another of those conversations and i see an old acquaintenance from my high school years come into the bar. he had been one of those the pretty, popular people, and apparently still was. i couldn't help but be irritated by the way his eyes would rest on me and then immediately flit off to some other corner of the room when i smiled and waved. in fact i was downright p.o. ed by it, of all things, and right in the middle of our conversation about, like, saving the children.

why? because it's a microcosm of a macrocosm. let's just all say hello to our neighbors, huh? let's make more connections and maybe we would feel more obligation to each other when we're all scrambling our way to the top. and after we've done this, we're a bit more fit to take that bigger step: let's acknowledge we all share this world and that other beings are going to try to share it too after we're gone.

but that's a big step, and while i believe always in the potential for improvement, i can't help but be discouraged by these overwhelming, self-perpetuating pressures driving us all apart. after all, i wanted to punch that guy who refused to smile back at me in the face. wow. and i'd say i'm pretty forgiving and understanding, i bet quite a few of my friends could vouch for me on this too...so talk about some vicious, multi-dimensional cycles we've got going on here.

okay okay, i know instant revolution would be about as nourishing for us all as a big mac. but really now, aren't we done here? let's put something over the stove to simmer, as far as taking the time out for other people goes. now excuse me, i have to give my dad a hug.

it's a tough job, but someone has to do it

i'm trying something new on these days called boldness, particularly when it comes to future employment and love opportunities. so far it just means i've sent out a few resumes to jobs i'm not sure i'm totally qualified for in places i have never considered living (meaning, cities besides portland, seattle, or eugene) and that i've taken the initiative to exchange some texts with my new mr. fascinating. ok, ok, i must admit i'm not entirely thrilled with the results, but i'm staying hopeful for something interesting to happen with a continued effort.

it also means that i took the liberty to burn the new britney spears album because i shamelessly adore "womanizer." tisk tisk. maybe i need to rethink the blushing damsel routine.

but let's focus on the back patting, here are some more of my new and improved habits: weekly reading of the economist magazine, flossing, lots of home-cooking, daily spanish and bellydancing exercises, spoiling myself only every once in a while as opposed to incessantly, and maintaining contact with all those friends far away. maybe i haven't quite reached the road to success, and i know i've only been home for a week and a half, but at least i'm not floating as far above planet earth as i was before. so let me know if you want to play adult with me and get a drink and discuss current events...or boys...or crystals.

it's an ugly (but oh so sweet) journey

so now that i'm back in the states, jobless, carless, living in my parent's basement with nobody but my whole three friends from high school to chat with, i begin to ponder the love thing.

and i started this back in costa rica when i flung myself into a relationship type thing with (hold the laughter) manfred. "por ti," i recall him telling me one morning, "nada es tranquilla." now despite being one of the biggest thugs in paraiso, the guy shocked me again and again with his insight and intuition. there were other problems at the time, our situation wasn't comfortable for me for many reasons. one being that he was, as previously stated, one of the biggest thugs in paraiso, and i was living at a place that was trying to establish itself as something serious and seperate from the whole crazy, druggie, alternative, american scene (i was, perhaps, detrimental to these efforts). no, i couldn't settle in with manfred for many reasons, and tranquilla is hardly a good descriptor for me anyways. especially in love.

there have been men since chris, of course, one that i would even say was quite serious. but there has always been this sort of distance from which i have conducted myself, naturally i suppose. after all, i don't know how shattered a heart could get earlier this year; everyday i was wishing for some way to sew up the two halves of mine that were barely holding on to each other beneath my ribcage. as i always have been in love, i was silly and attentive and caring to whoever i was with, but ultimately trying to figure out how the hell i was going to get back to tacoma and to chris.

now with my cupid of a friend jill scouting out every potential in town for me, i find myself actually quite interested and excited instead of wanting to die and hide from these men. now here's another curveball from the depths of one ready to move on! my intuition is of course what has been making open to the new possibilities, but the moment my ego gets the chance i'm filled with doubt: doubt that i can find the courage and strength to embark on anything with anyone new ever, doubt that such an opportunity even exists, and of course the abismal fear of how i will be ravaged this time if i truly decide to let someone in.

most disturbing to me is the letting go that is happening right now and how, paradoxically, it feels so right to allow it to happen. i want to hang on to the hope things will change but, realistically speaking, i have no plans to go back to tacoma, i have no plans to see or talk with chris anytime soon, and ultimately i have moved well beyond the road that would have been "our" life together. in many ways, i have let go already and am excited about the freedom with which it has left me. right now it's just about shutting up that dark little voice known as my ego, letting myself revel in what is good, and ultimately enjoying being young and single and free with a whole world of experiences ahead of me. it's called nonattachment, i suppose, and the emptiness that comes is not something void of life but something completely fertile though unknown and yes, lacking a certain someone. whoa, brilliance. easier said than done.

ok, i thought i owed you something meaty after months of rushed entries and negligence. back to the job and friend hunt.

back into the swing of things

for the life of me i can't figure out how to put together an outfit anymore. it's like...what?! you mean i really DO own more than three hopelessly stained and ripped shirts and two pairs of pants?! HURRAY! but honestly, what the hell do i do with all this now...

i'm sure i will adjust, just like i've already come to terms with my comfy bed, warm shower, and excessively large music collection (crazy how it happens so quickly). i figure as long as i can hold on to this gratefulness i have right now i've come quite a way.

for now, small steps. i'm getting back into a regular yoga and meditation routine, indulging in earl grey tea with milk and honey, planning themed outings with jill and chelsea, reading amy tan and bill mckibben, and signing up for african drum and dance classes with the beautiful man i met at the boise co-op yesterday.

i still need a job, and prospects are not looking so good there right now. oh yeah, i think i can recall reading about how the economy sucks up here while i was in costa rica. anybody know of another treehouse i can bunker down in? or perhaps, an appropriate line of work. i'm a creative writing major with the most scattered resume in the world (why oh why do i insist on trying just about everything?!), but at least i'm adaptable and friendly.

but the point of this all is that i'm settling in. there's this part of the whole costa rica experience that seems dreamlike to me, a feeling i'm trying to let go of. i don't think it's healthy to compartmentalize experiences in my life, they are all one and interconnected and integral and indicative of the "real" me. not only that, but i think that claiming my experiences there were something seperate from what is going on in my life now will disable them from fully nourishing me the way they should. oh boy, do i have a lot to take in from the good, bad, and ugly of that trip. here's to growth and focus.