in the many notes i have taken on the subject of progressive relationships, jealousy comes up again and again and again. i know exactly how i feel about it too: jealousy is a condition that arises because of one person's need to control or own another person, and to everyone's credit this is hardly ever done so aggressively as it may sound on paper. it is ultimately a symptom of mistrust and lack of confidence in love. so by effectively addressing this issue of jealousy, we should first address the issue of lack of faith, and not just in this other person but rather in ourselves.
yes i've heard it all before, i've believed it all before, and i've managed to mechanically repeat the above lines to both jill and chelsea numerous times at all hours of the day and night, but that still doesn't help when i'm up at 3 am listening to nostalgic music in bed while my dog forages the clothes and books on the floor for chew toys (normally i keep the door shut, but sometimes a girl just needs to brave the dangers for some company at night).
more than anything i just wonder what the point is. there's nothing more depressing than losing sleep and cooking up vengeful thoughts towards a girl i don't even know, in fact it makes me feel like i'm back in high school again and bitchier than before. and then more than anything it makes me question the nature of the "love" i have for this girl's partner, and that's one of the last things i want in this world. but really, is it love...really? cause when i'm up at 3 am, it starts sounding more and more to me like co-dependance. i should celebrate the one i love, correct? wish him all the happiness in the world, because that is the loving thing to do. if nothing else, it makes me feel my age again.
and so, what is the point? because i know we all go through this. are we bored, misinformed, or simply not giving ourselves credit for the strong , beautiful people we are? and how can we experience so much ugliness in jealousy yet find ourselves repeating the process again and again? perhaps these are merely the words of a crazed, sleep-deprived woman of the world, but all i know is everything is screaming that this is one emotion that has just got to go for everyone's sake.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
my own thoughts on purna
today i began a piece about the grand impact of consciously creating a positive sense of place. the reflection begins with a very well-placed fern outside of the small, dingy house i was living in my last few months in tacoma. at that point i was addressing serious discontent fueled by a stagnancy in my job, relationship, and need for self-exploration, as well as the emptiness that accompanies any time of significant transition and/or re-examination in life...at least i think. i know i was depressed. and i know that while it didn't fix everything, the fern certainly acted as my green, leafy, hope-filled beacon when i was fairly certain i'd lost everything to mold and neglect and disrepair.
so if you want to read this piece, do let me know, and i'll send it to you. but for now i'm thinking about my reflection of my reflection. how terribly meta-crazy can i get? just wait and i can make your eyes cross with the details of my psychology presentation senior year on metacognitive thinking, or you can just keep reading (for both our sakes, please).
after the first flow of words came to an end, i took a break and began thinking about the current state of my writer's life. my relationship with writing is quite similar to my relationship with place at this point; there's a passion for something substantial that is undermined by my inability to fully open and commit and say with certainty that this is what i want to do, or that this place is where i want to be, or even that this person is who i want to be with.
and to be honest the more i think about it, the more dissatisfied i am with this. you don't learn much by flitting in and out of situations and never fully inundating yourself in what is there, for better or for worse. and what good does it do to constantly looking for perfection when it is not something that can be found to begin with? from what i hear, it (or, rather, something close to it) is what you create.
this is what i know right now: i'm committed to working on establishing my portfolio (something a bit more gutsy and updated than my academic one) and exploring how my many different interests can add some depth to my writing. i'm committed to my move back to washington, and the work i will be doing for the tacoma farmers market. and as far as my relationship committments, they go to those who have always mattered to begin with.
this is a lot to take on, focus is more intimidating for me than chaos. perhaps what i am going for is a more organized chaos, with all the light-heartedness and less of the regrets transience has given me.
so if you want to read this piece, do let me know, and i'll send it to you. but for now i'm thinking about my reflection of my reflection. how terribly meta-crazy can i get? just wait and i can make your eyes cross with the details of my psychology presentation senior year on metacognitive thinking, or you can just keep reading (for both our sakes, please).
after the first flow of words came to an end, i took a break and began thinking about the current state of my writer's life. my relationship with writing is quite similar to my relationship with place at this point; there's a passion for something substantial that is undermined by my inability to fully open and commit and say with certainty that this is what i want to do, or that this place is where i want to be, or even that this person is who i want to be with.
and to be honest the more i think about it, the more dissatisfied i am with this. you don't learn much by flitting in and out of situations and never fully inundating yourself in what is there, for better or for worse. and what good does it do to constantly looking for perfection when it is not something that can be found to begin with? from what i hear, it (or, rather, something close to it) is what you create.
this is what i know right now: i'm committed to working on establishing my portfolio (something a bit more gutsy and updated than my academic one) and exploring how my many different interests can add some depth to my writing. i'm committed to my move back to washington, and the work i will be doing for the tacoma farmers market. and as far as my relationship committments, they go to those who have always mattered to begin with.
this is a lot to take on, focus is more intimidating for me than chaos. perhaps what i am going for is a more organized chaos, with all the light-heartedness and less of the regrets transience has given me.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
elusive employment, who needs benefits?
turns out i may not be feeding the homeless upon my move, because i will in fact be struggling to feed myself. it's another one of the mysteries of my life i am seeking the answer to: how i will go from being a completely competant and capable darling to a total moron in no time when confronted with the pressures of professionalism or a person i feel i must impress.
don't even ask about my interview, i choked for real, and all on speakerphone. i keep imagining my tinny little voice radiating out from the damn phone on a large wooden table in my interviewers' office in washington, uttering some indecipherable stupidity about helping the poor. aye, verguenza!
thank goodness the hippies at the farmers market dig me. but perhaps online surveys and dumpster diving will now be what pads my sad little income. or maybe it's back to the espresso bar for me. a degree means little when the economy sucks, my interviewing skills suck more, and i have had multiple trainings in latte art.
don't even ask about my interview, i choked for real, and all on speakerphone. i keep imagining my tinny little voice radiating out from the damn phone on a large wooden table in my interviewers' office in washington, uttering some indecipherable stupidity about helping the poor. aye, verguenza!
thank goodness the hippies at the farmers market dig me. but perhaps online surveys and dumpster diving will now be what pads my sad little income. or maybe it's back to the espresso bar for me. a degree means little when the economy sucks, my interviewing skills suck more, and i have had multiple trainings in latte art.
new twists on the same old thing
well, i landed myself a gig with the tacoma farmers market. basically i'll be a glorified volunteer, but i'll get to meet tons of people and make a little money to pad my income while i'm teaching people about sustainable living. not bad. i'm still waiting to hear back from the homeless shelter, once again i won't be hitting it rich anytime soon but i'll have benefits and plenty of paid vacation time and will really be making a difference. so that's good enough for me, of course. i just hope that my sunny self will be able to take the night-time hours.
the boise social scene and sleeping alone in a basement i haven't even fully moved into is starting to get the best of me. what do i want? my own place to unpack my stuff, two cats (a black and white one), and of course a darling boyfriend. but considering the schedule i'm going to be dealing with upon moving, i think that obtaining all of this is going to require some patience. if only i could be career-oriented, i wouldn't constantly be in search of so many elusive other elements to life. but then again, if that was the case, i certainly wouldn't have my menagerie of stories to tell or any of those other precious quirks that make me so memorable.
so we will deal.
in other news, i can now play the zills like a rockstar. watch out rachel brice. and i have a new choreographer/dancer crush on amy sigil of unmata who i am missing in washington this weekend. i'm sure we will meet again. if i was more savvy with this blog thing i'd post a video here, but unfortunately my attempt just failed so i will provide a link instead. ok i know it takes some more initiative on the part of you, the reader, but it's worth it. she's front and center, with all the tattoos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY83aFzK3x8
the boise social scene and sleeping alone in a basement i haven't even fully moved into is starting to get the best of me. what do i want? my own place to unpack my stuff, two cats (a black and white one), and of course a darling boyfriend. but considering the schedule i'm going to be dealing with upon moving, i think that obtaining all of this is going to require some patience. if only i could be career-oriented, i wouldn't constantly be in search of so many elusive other elements to life. but then again, if that was the case, i certainly wouldn't have my menagerie of stories to tell or any of those other precious quirks that make me so memorable.
so we will deal.
in other news, i can now play the zills like a rockstar. watch out rachel brice. and i have a new choreographer/dancer crush on amy sigil of unmata who i am missing in washington this weekend. i'm sure we will meet again. if i was more savvy with this blog thing i'd post a video here, but unfortunately my attempt just failed so i will provide a link instead. ok i know it takes some more initiative on the part of you, the reader, but it's worth it. she's front and center, with all the tattoos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY83aFzK3x8
Saturday, January 10, 2009
creating a culture of change
quite literally, in fact. and it's pretty easy to do on a small, kitchen scale. i've been all into the fermented foods thing lately thanks to a freaking amazing book called wild fermentation by sandor ellix katz. not only is it just about the easiest process in the world (you create the anaerobic, stable environment and let all the live microorganisms do their thang), you can ferment just about anything and it will remove toxins, make digestion easier, create vitamins (yay b vitamins), and preserve your food. i did mention it's easy, cause that's a big one for me, and it doesn't require much more than a crockpot or mason jar or other container to let your ferment stew. okay maybe something to keep it warm if you're making yogurt, but that's easily found or created itself.
i even convinced my family! knowing they were always buying those pasteurized jars of saurkraut from the store, i offered my services and promised not only a healthier, but a better tasting product (dare i mention LIVE one). all i needed: a few heads of cabbage, some sea salt, a mason jar, and a week or two. after the initial process of cutting, mashing, and letting the brine rise, i put the jars in the corner of the kitchen to ferment. my mom kept asking if i needed to do anything else to the saurkraut. at one point she was even worried i had forgotten about them and was letting a universe form unguided in her kitchen. in fact, that's exactly what i was doing.
on opening night, i was a little nervous they would be grossed out or not receptive to this homemade brew; i'm not going to lie, sometimes i get a little attached to my projects. so anyways, i watched my dad scoop up his first bite and then his next and was quite pleasantly surprised when i was complimented for my efforts, for the crunchier texture and stronger taste than the store bought substitute. and trust me, i'm not always met with this reaction when it comes to my new eating or health habits and my folks. so what i'm saying is...it's amazing, and i can't wait to get my own place so i can try tons of different ferments without getting in everyone's way.
katz talks about all of us needing to get out of this hygienic culture thrown at us by the corporate, standardized food products we run into in the grocery aisles (and for that matter in the cleaning aisles too). and i guess i don't understand why people will settle for chemical additives in their food but are freaked out by a few naturally occuring microbes. sure stuff happens, and ill beneficial microbes do exist, but honestly it's all the crazy chemical stuff that we ingest everyday that is getting us all into a lot more trouble. but then again, i was down to bathe in rainwater for months on end, and wash our dishes in it too, so i guess i'm on a different spectrum than most people.
In closing, i love this: "wild fermentation is a way of incorporating the wild into your body, becoming one with the natural world," writes katz. and hell, i'm always down for more wild.
i even convinced my family! knowing they were always buying those pasteurized jars of saurkraut from the store, i offered my services and promised not only a healthier, but a better tasting product (dare i mention LIVE one). all i needed: a few heads of cabbage, some sea salt, a mason jar, and a week or two. after the initial process of cutting, mashing, and letting the brine rise, i put the jars in the corner of the kitchen to ferment. my mom kept asking if i needed to do anything else to the saurkraut. at one point she was even worried i had forgotten about them and was letting a universe form unguided in her kitchen. in fact, that's exactly what i was doing.
on opening night, i was a little nervous they would be grossed out or not receptive to this homemade brew; i'm not going to lie, sometimes i get a little attached to my projects. so anyways, i watched my dad scoop up his first bite and then his next and was quite pleasantly surprised when i was complimented for my efforts, for the crunchier texture and stronger taste than the store bought substitute. and trust me, i'm not always met with this reaction when it comes to my new eating or health habits and my folks. so what i'm saying is...it's amazing, and i can't wait to get my own place so i can try tons of different ferments without getting in everyone's way.
katz talks about all of us needing to get out of this hygienic culture thrown at us by the corporate, standardized food products we run into in the grocery aisles (and for that matter in the cleaning aisles too). and i guess i don't understand why people will settle for chemical additives in their food but are freaked out by a few naturally occuring microbes. sure stuff happens, and ill beneficial microbes do exist, but honestly it's all the crazy chemical stuff that we ingest everyday that is getting us all into a lot more trouble. but then again, i was down to bathe in rainwater for months on end, and wash our dishes in it too, so i guess i'm on a different spectrum than most people.
In closing, i love this: "wild fermentation is a way of incorporating the wild into your body, becoming one with the natural world," writes katz. and hell, i'm always down for more wild.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
the fine times of '09
here's my first attempt at something poetic in a while. be kind, it's raw. and many blessings on this new year's day.
Things you missed
How the day opened like a throat
reaching for a high note
and the tendrils of clouds
collapsed together
to release the rain.
How I rolled a napkin into a tulip
and placed it on the table beside me,
an offering
to whatever is whole out there.
To whatever spins this cycle anew.
My growing hair
and sturdier frame,
the small change
of habit and dialect
that come from knowing
other people and places.
Deeper breaths,
quicker steps
not so heavy
with the relentless
saturation of years
and intentions
to drown oneself in another.
Things you missed
How the day opened like a throat
reaching for a high note
and the tendrils of clouds
collapsed together
to release the rain.
How I rolled a napkin into a tulip
and placed it on the table beside me,
an offering
to whatever is whole out there.
To whatever spins this cycle anew.
My growing hair
and sturdier frame,
the small change
of habit and dialect
that come from knowing
other people and places.
Deeper breaths,
quicker steps
not so heavy
with the relentless
saturation of years
and intentions
to drown oneself in another.
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