finding a purpose is rough, people

back from the goat dairy, one of my potential winter projects.

it was easy for me to fall into feeling at home on the dairy. the first morning i was there, i dehydrated a bunch of red peppers and all day you could smell them immediately upon opening the door; as well as whatever else was cooking. there was a large country kitchen, a living room with windows that overlooked mt. st. helens and mt. rainier, a plethora of goat cheese, and, like, a million kitties and puppies and goats.

most people will continue to think i'm crazy when i tell them that i just couldn't stop thinking about tacoma the whole time i was there. and that i probably won't be able to take these dairy owners up on their hospitable offer of letting me stay with them because, for now, i just don't want to be away from my lovely city of destiny.

one of the highlights had to be playing vendor at pike's place market today...one of the oldest farmers markets still kicking. what an experience! this all meant acting boisterous and crazy about goat cheese, flirting with the cute market goers from out of town, as well as saying hello to a few of our lovely vendors that also visit the 253 area code.

next scheme includes a not-so-exciting stint with the engine house #9 bar and restaurant in tacoma, and a VERY exciting partnership with a group called cascadian edible landscapes. urban permaculture in the puget sound area?! sounds right up my alley. we'll see what this gets me into.

the tough questions

tonight i'm dealing with them. how am i going to make a few extra bucks this month? should i devote the funds i do have to more practical pursuits or further adventures? should i spend the winter on the dairy? what do i hope to come of that and what would i do after?

thank goodness for chris, he is always willing to cut through the bullshit of everyday life. you know, ask the really tough questions. for instance, today he asked me: "how is it even possible to give cats acupuncture?" i considered the question, along with all the cats that i knew that received acupuncture (including one wily maine coon i couldn't imagine holding still for a moment) and admitted i hadn't the slightest clue.

so i gots out my internets, watched a few youtube videos, and did a little google search. brilliance! turns out that the needles don't bother the cat at all. they are so tiny you see and, according to some, cats are so "body sensitive" that they know it is all good for them. if nothing else, they simply lack the awareness of what is going down during their little session. and if they do get testy about the wee needles modern techniques with lasers can work the magic of needles minus the invasiveness.

the skinny: acupuncture is for kitties and chris is for thinkers (and lovers).

but this talk leads me to another tough question: why is there no room for a little familiar in my life? perhaps this is food for thought on another day.

so much is the same, so much different

i found myself a new computer, so i'm hoping updates won't be so hard to come by anymore.

i'm compiling a list of books to read this winter after the market season is over...mostly stuff on sustainable agriculture, community living, and beautiful women.

i'm going to live on a goat dairy in november.

i have a new favorite tea, blackberry and sage, and i'll choose it over coffee any day.

the only poem i've written in the past year was scrawled onto the floor of the temple at burning man. as i watched the temple burn the last night of the festival i realized i'd never be able to recreate that piece, but now i know i've still got a poem or two in me.

my time and efforts are worth it. i'm not settling anymore. and i'm not taking your disrespect.

i have a new-found love for an old one, and he has a new-found humility and awe towards "us". i'm thinking we may be in it for the long haul.

rain is love here in tacoma, and i'm getting ready for the long months of it ahead.

EVOLUTION

this summer IS going to be interesting after all. just over two weeks until burning man and i'm going! i'm letting go of expectations of what my first burning man was going to be, of who i was supposed to be going with, and under what circumstances. what is now is certainly not what i thought it would be, but it's wonderful all the same.

i found myself a partner in crime and that's wonderful too. our relationship just seems to flow and is so filled with hilarious moments that i'm constantly recalling and laughing about our antics during my long days at work. what's more hilarious is i remember only a month or two ago sitting over drinks with him and another friend from the farmers market and talking about how i never felt like i was going to find someone who could match my need for play and adventure here in tacoma. interesting how what you need is never as distant as you may think it is.

fall has been in the air a few times this week. i'm looking forward to wearing more layers and to my schedule slowing down a bit. while i've learned a lot this summer, it's all been done in this frantic rush i hope i will never have to maintain for that long again. i'm all about keeping busy, but with enough cushion that i can take a few moments to breathe every now and again.

lightness

it's been a few months and it's surprising to think that, really, a lot has happened since my last post. mostly i say that because my weeks all kind of blend together. i can never experience "a case of the mondays" because i never get a day off... so really it's just awful burnout. 

i'm working hard on not settling. i want to continue to accept things for what they are, but also with the understanding that it's up to me to be the instigator of great and awesome change in my life. i'm thinking about next year and how, even if i end up somewhere other than tacoma, i want to make certain demands for my time and efforts. i also know that i'm not going to accept a schedule that forces me to give up my wanderings and friends.

for the first time in the entire duration of our relationship, i'm allowing myself to really accept chris for who he is. in doing this, i'm coming to terms with the fact that i want a love in my life that is different from what he is able to provide. duh, this is something i've been attempting for a while now and it's hurtful but surprisingly bearable because of the simplicity in this revelation: i don't want to settle, and i don't want to wait for someone to change when they may never do so. life is too short, and if this moment is all that we really ever have then i don't want to spend another one simply waiting and hoping and feeling crappy that the person that i love more than anything just can't love me back.

other than that i'm fostering kittens, using lots of culinary lavendar, and dealing with tons of broken and misplaced possessions. we might be getting nigerian dwarf goats but what i really want is a dog to be my partner in crime while no one else seems really up for the task. love and blessings all, til next time.

poof!

it's hard to believe i'll be turning 25 in less than a week: a quarter of a century spent, in this lifetime anyways. i'm waiting for my saturn return to really start freaking out. there's a lot i could potentially judge and analyze, but for now i'll try to just notice.

really i think most of these days are spent reconciling the past with the present. living in the moment, remembering to breathe, letting go of the need to light up a cigarette as well as indulge in my other worst doubts and fears, and working with what i know in my gut and heart. it's a process, but life would certainly not be as interesting if one day i would have everything i need to learn just come to me like "POOF!"

i've finally come to the point where i'm getting enough hours at both of my jobs to do some saving and that is rewarding even though the weeks are long and tiring. at some point soon i hope i can manage a few days off in a row, laying in bed sounds nice, so does some drawing and some adventures on robert's motorcycle.

smart investments

it rained so hard yesterday that my manager at next to nature had to roll up her jeans and run out to unclog the grimy drain by our store on tacoma avenue so the water wouldn't come in. oh the joys and responsibilities of being in charge, i just hope she doesn't get some disease from stamping around in that filthy drain water.

so for once i thought to myself, good thing i just do the grunt work around both of my jobs. because for the most part, the grunt work isn't that disgusting and sometimes it pays off to not have so much responsibility. for instance, i can maintain a light-heartedness that other people can't when they have so much invested in their work (and i can therefore be the little blessing in their lives). but this isn't an argument for my current state, on the contrary, i'd like to feel a bit more like my effort and time was invaluable. while still being a blessing, of course!

so i'm thinking about the farmers market opening and how the month of may makes tacoma come alive as we get the first holy glimpses of the summer to come. we all get out our flip flops and summer clothes and suddenly there's a lot more to look at. and the men don't stop hollering.

love is making quite a commotion in people's lives, and mine is no exception. he comes around about every other day and i usually make him dinner because he's managed to get even skinnier in the year of my absence. other than that the terms are undefined and a bit frightening. i do know that there is a lot more care and that the love never left, but i know that that can't be all that sustains us. i want to say that we're being more cautious this time, and that we'll get it right this time, but i'm also too much of a romantic to make that call without bias. so i'm doing my best to be light-hearted, like in my employment situation, although the same feeling rings true here: i wish i felt the i possessed the invitation and the capability to invest more.