finding a purpose is rough, people

back from the goat dairy, one of my potential winter projects.

it was easy for me to fall into feeling at home on the dairy. the first morning i was there, i dehydrated a bunch of red peppers and all day you could smell them immediately upon opening the door; as well as whatever else was cooking. there was a large country kitchen, a living room with windows that overlooked mt. st. helens and mt. rainier, a plethora of goat cheese, and, like, a million kitties and puppies and goats.

most people will continue to think i'm crazy when i tell them that i just couldn't stop thinking about tacoma the whole time i was there. and that i probably won't be able to take these dairy owners up on their hospitable offer of letting me stay with them because, for now, i just don't want to be away from my lovely city of destiny.

one of the highlights had to be playing vendor at pike's place market today...one of the oldest farmers markets still kicking. what an experience! this all meant acting boisterous and crazy about goat cheese, flirting with the cute market goers from out of town, as well as saying hello to a few of our lovely vendors that also visit the 253 area code.

next scheme includes a not-so-exciting stint with the engine house #9 bar and restaurant in tacoma, and a VERY exciting partnership with a group called cascadian edible landscapes. urban permaculture in the puget sound area?! sounds right up my alley. we'll see what this gets me into.

the tough questions

tonight i'm dealing with them. how am i going to make a few extra bucks this month? should i devote the funds i do have to more practical pursuits or further adventures? should i spend the winter on the dairy? what do i hope to come of that and what would i do after?

thank goodness for chris, he is always willing to cut through the bullshit of everyday life. you know, ask the really tough questions. for instance, today he asked me: "how is it even possible to give cats acupuncture?" i considered the question, along with all the cats that i knew that received acupuncture (including one wily maine coon i couldn't imagine holding still for a moment) and admitted i hadn't the slightest clue.

so i gots out my internets, watched a few youtube videos, and did a little google search. brilliance! turns out that the needles don't bother the cat at all. they are so tiny you see and, according to some, cats are so "body sensitive" that they know it is all good for them. if nothing else, they simply lack the awareness of what is going down during their little session. and if they do get testy about the wee needles modern techniques with lasers can work the magic of needles minus the invasiveness.

the skinny: acupuncture is for kitties and chris is for thinkers (and lovers).

but this talk leads me to another tough question: why is there no room for a little familiar in my life? perhaps this is food for thought on another day.

so much is the same, so much different

i found myself a new computer, so i'm hoping updates won't be so hard to come by anymore.

i'm compiling a list of books to read this winter after the market season is over...mostly stuff on sustainable agriculture, community living, and beautiful women.

i'm going to live on a goat dairy in november.

i have a new favorite tea, blackberry and sage, and i'll choose it over coffee any day.

the only poem i've written in the past year was scrawled onto the floor of the temple at burning man. as i watched the temple burn the last night of the festival i realized i'd never be able to recreate that piece, but now i know i've still got a poem or two in me.

my time and efforts are worth it. i'm not settling anymore. and i'm not taking your disrespect.

i have a new-found love for an old one, and he has a new-found humility and awe towards "us". i'm thinking we may be in it for the long haul.

rain is love here in tacoma, and i'm getting ready for the long months of it ahead.

EVOLUTION

this summer IS going to be interesting after all. just over two weeks until burning man and i'm going! i'm letting go of expectations of what my first burning man was going to be, of who i was supposed to be going with, and under what circumstances. what is now is certainly not what i thought it would be, but it's wonderful all the same.

i found myself a partner in crime and that's wonderful too. our relationship just seems to flow and is so filled with hilarious moments that i'm constantly recalling and laughing about our antics during my long days at work. what's more hilarious is i remember only a month or two ago sitting over drinks with him and another friend from the farmers market and talking about how i never felt like i was going to find someone who could match my need for play and adventure here in tacoma. interesting how what you need is never as distant as you may think it is.

fall has been in the air a few times this week. i'm looking forward to wearing more layers and to my schedule slowing down a bit. while i've learned a lot this summer, it's all been done in this frantic rush i hope i will never have to maintain for that long again. i'm all about keeping busy, but with enough cushion that i can take a few moments to breathe every now and again.

lightness

it's been a few months and it's surprising to think that, really, a lot has happened since my last post. mostly i say that because my weeks all kind of blend together. i can never experience "a case of the mondays" because i never get a day off... so really it's just awful burnout. 

i'm working hard on not settling. i want to continue to accept things for what they are, but also with the understanding that it's up to me to be the instigator of great and awesome change in my life. i'm thinking about next year and how, even if i end up somewhere other than tacoma, i want to make certain demands for my time and efforts. i also know that i'm not going to accept a schedule that forces me to give up my wanderings and friends.

for the first time in the entire duration of our relationship, i'm allowing myself to really accept chris for who he is. in doing this, i'm coming to terms with the fact that i want a love in my life that is different from what he is able to provide. duh, this is something i've been attempting for a while now and it's hurtful but surprisingly bearable because of the simplicity in this revelation: i don't want to settle, and i don't want to wait for someone to change when they may never do so. life is too short, and if this moment is all that we really ever have then i don't want to spend another one simply waiting and hoping and feeling crappy that the person that i love more than anything just can't love me back.

other than that i'm fostering kittens, using lots of culinary lavendar, and dealing with tons of broken and misplaced possessions. we might be getting nigerian dwarf goats but what i really want is a dog to be my partner in crime while no one else seems really up for the task. love and blessings all, til next time.

poof!

it's hard to believe i'll be turning 25 in less than a week: a quarter of a century spent, in this lifetime anyways. i'm waiting for my saturn return to really start freaking out. there's a lot i could potentially judge and analyze, but for now i'll try to just notice.

really i think most of these days are spent reconciling the past with the present. living in the moment, remembering to breathe, letting go of the need to light up a cigarette as well as indulge in my other worst doubts and fears, and working with what i know in my gut and heart. it's a process, but life would certainly not be as interesting if one day i would have everything i need to learn just come to me like "POOF!"

i've finally come to the point where i'm getting enough hours at both of my jobs to do some saving and that is rewarding even though the weeks are long and tiring. at some point soon i hope i can manage a few days off in a row, laying in bed sounds nice, so does some drawing and some adventures on robert's motorcycle.

smart investments

it rained so hard yesterday that my manager at next to nature had to roll up her jeans and run out to unclog the grimy drain by our store on tacoma avenue so the water wouldn't come in. oh the joys and responsibilities of being in charge, i just hope she doesn't get some disease from stamping around in that filthy drain water.

so for once i thought to myself, good thing i just do the grunt work around both of my jobs. because for the most part, the grunt work isn't that disgusting and sometimes it pays off to not have so much responsibility. for instance, i can maintain a light-heartedness that other people can't when they have so much invested in their work (and i can therefore be the little blessing in their lives). but this isn't an argument for my current state, on the contrary, i'd like to feel a bit more like my effort and time was invaluable. while still being a blessing, of course!

so i'm thinking about the farmers market opening and how the month of may makes tacoma come alive as we get the first holy glimpses of the summer to come. we all get out our flip flops and summer clothes and suddenly there's a lot more to look at. and the men don't stop hollering.

love is making quite a commotion in people's lives, and mine is no exception. he comes around about every other day and i usually make him dinner because he's managed to get even skinnier in the year of my absence. other than that the terms are undefined and a bit frightening. i do know that there is a lot more care and that the love never left, but i know that that can't be all that sustains us. i want to say that we're being more cautious this time, and that we'll get it right this time, but i'm also too much of a romantic to make that call without bias. so i'm doing my best to be light-hearted, like in my employment situation, although the same feeling rings true here: i wish i felt the i possessed the invitation and the capability to invest more.

priorities II

this sunday is friday for me, and for better or for worse, i'm sitting at home with a couple beers re-reading the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera. 25 pages in and its got me thinking.

i'm kind of relieved, personally, at the thought that our existence holds little weight because of its transitory nature. forgive me for getting too metaphysical, but the realization that this will all pass, that everything changes from moment to moment, and that we don't need to form attachments to what is physical (and therefore inherently transitory) is really pretty freeing. i guess it's also scary as hell.

but here are my thoughts: most people say i'm pretty easy-going and laid back, really what it comes down to is i don't fight the flow. and if i find myself fighting the flow, it's because i've formed attachments to what i do not trust to remain secure. in world that is incessantly changing, sadly enough, this is something that happens a lot and at this point i have made sacrifices, with tons of deliberation beforehand and with the knowledge i may carry emotional scars that will remain years later, so that i can maintain a way of life that allows me to feel the flow, stay connected to the source, be the sole independant thinker and actor in my life, and ultimately get the most of this shot i have.

this way our humble existence does make a difference (maybe it even makes a bit more sense): we live for today, but we also live in a way so that we can live for today for the next thousand years.

who knows really, i just wanted to talk about priorities.

priorities

not enough time for belly dance these days. i'm having to settle for pushing all the furniture in the living room to the side and blasting beats antique (or, admittedly, tool) while i shimmy around in my sports bra. certainly, it's not the same.

but plenty of dance opportunities ahead: house nights at the tempest, may day celebration at my place, and the food not bombs fundraiser on may 9th (that you should come to). and after that we have the summer festival season. these things help me not to feel so deprived.

in the meantime, i've fallen for a kitten at the pet food store that i work at on the weekends named squeaks. why is she named squeaks? because the little precious just follows me around everywhere and squeaks at me when i don't pick her up. i want to eat her. but only because that darling kittie has made me realize that despite all the bullshit that has gone down, i DO still have the capacity to love. good thing it's just a cat, and good thing i don't have the stomach to actually eat her. then where would i be? disillusioned again, and wondering why love must always leave.

i like being the title of a poem

as if this blog wasn't self-indulgent enough! my friend rose is visiting me before heading off to the omega institute to live in a tent and work in the bookstore there, and she dropped off this poem that she wrote about my adventures in costa rica. i was thrilled and, since i am lacking my own poetry to share, thought it would be appropriate to post.

Cathy and Aimee

From the empty quiet
Your ruckus laughter set you free

A treehouse and a labyrinth
Appeared in both your dreams

But it caught you off your guard when
They became reality.

You left the valley for a home
In the Costa Rican trees.

The cosmos were reflected in your eyes
And reflected in the carribean sea.

In bright night’s thunderstorms
Drum circles blessed the leaves.

You let the forest teach you how to breathe.


i love tacoma, but sometimes it's very loud and distracting.

beer making, guerrilla gardening, writing, belly dance, and lots of money making on the agenda for the next few weeks. i'm working on saving my pennies for big girl things. i'm a big girl, and i guess i need to start considering big girl things. at least furniture, since i know that tacoma is a place i want to be for a while. and more kitchenware for culinary and food preserving adventures.

bah, anniversaries.

i suppose i was like most americans, when i let the anniversary of the invasion of iraq pass without so much of a glance. the equinox too, geez i'm slacking. i lit a candle and said a prayer and offered a beer (a real one, not one of the pbr tall boys i've been settling for) for more peace and love and solidarity. and i did accompany kenin up to seattle so he could sell some music equipment to a guitarist in a band called embryonic devourment. i thought that was a satisfying, figurative representation of my disgruntlement: i'm pissed, i listen to metal music, and i hang out with people who don't even give babies a chance to become babies, or even fetuses for that matter, before they consume them.

oh, and for the record, mr. devourment was actually quite polite and soft-spoken.

but i wonder sometimes, what is the use of anniversaries or holidays if they just become a little thing that distinguishes only a slight difference in another day? or even worse, if they become only a source of more distraction and annoyance for us in their passing?

at one point, holidays held a more potent place in our society. but this was when we were unable to seperate ourselves from the turning of nature, and so our cause for celebration was more heart-felt then habitual. we didn't always have the desire and technology to consider ourselves superior than the world, after all. or the bruteness for that matter. i'd like to think that at one time too, our governments were not so ballsy as to view themselves as seperate from their citizens. so that the passing of an anniversary of an action so grossly unpopular would actually hold some weight. now we're at year six, it's becoming a habit to celebrate this. a bad one we know, but bad habits certainly don't die easily. you probably know that i'm in the process of trying to stop smoking. again.

and don't get me wrong, i see the tide as turning drastically in light of recent events. hello economic and food crises and climate change and all sorts of other fun that can no longer be ignored or talked around, even by a most charming and, i'd like to think, well meaning person as our president. however, i still see the voices of the many getting trampled by the powerful who will acknowledge their presence now only to keep us complacent. and at that point, i think a lot of our efforts as the people united are diluted by small dramas and pettiness.

we're all human, i know and i love unconditionally. especially since so many "fringe" movements and beliefs are becoming standard these days. "change" is certainly a worthy platform, one that we can't let fritter away to become another depthless slogan. but it takes a lot to create depth and worth in a society that runs on the consumer's/citizen's ability to be easily swayed by those above them. especially when those above them are quite content to let it all stay how it is until it sinks. for me, i think, my major cause in life has not become any one in particular and it most certainly cannot be lumped into one ideology or set of beliefs. for me these days, it's more about staying real and staying smart and recognizing beauty and goodness.

i don't know how to end this without pointing fingers, because i hate it when people point fingers. i guess i just wanted to ramble on holidays and anniversaries, because a few have already passed this year that have left me feeling quite unsatisfied. and perhaps its trite of me to compare an annivesary of an occupation with say, an anniversary of my last major relationship, but it all goes to show how little it all means if we don't feel what we're doing to our core. we make crappy choices and lead people on for years. microcosms of macrocosms, i like that theme. or something like that, take it or leave it.

a moving saga

tomorrow is the big move, finally. and i approach it with the usual apprehension, hope, and (at times) doubt that anyone would in a similar situation.

boise holds a lot of potential for me, i know it does it if i would ever stick around long enough to give it a chance. and somehow issues always jump out of the shadows right before i’m about to take off, grab a hold of me, make me look back as i’m boarding the plane or bus or driving past the city limits to ask the infamous “what if?”. but i guess an event as big as a move is enough to consider a crisis situation, it’s at least something which pushes those close to the person going away to say or do things that they should have months ago.

someday i really hope to find someone who doesn’t wait until it’s all over to try and make me stay. since when did relationships become like fad diets?

for now, it’s too late to look back. i’ve made my decision. i have an amazing job, an amazing house, and some of my favorite people waiting for me in washington. not only that, but i have the opportunity to really nurture the roots i’ve established there, even after being away for a year. i know i’ll miss my family and friends in boise, but i have to stay true to my initial intentions to spend a few months here after costa rica to reconnect and then to go back home.

pretty convincing right? i'll keep telling myself this.

according to my horoscope, i’m older and wiser. i at least understand the importance of maintaining amazing connections from my past, you never know when they’re going to come in handy. apparently i should also take this week to write a love letter, and i told jill that i hope he settles for a drunk call. but i really hope that this doesn’t happen anytime too soon.

because i did this of my own accord a few weeks back and it was quite anticlimatic. bon voyage!

no my eyes aren't blue, but green

in the many notes i have taken on the subject of progressive relationships, jealousy comes up again and again and again. i know exactly how i feel about it too: jealousy is a condition that arises because of one person's need to control or own another person, and to everyone's credit this is hardly ever done so aggressively as it may sound on paper. it is ultimately a symptom of mistrust and lack of confidence in love. so by effectively addressing this issue of jealousy, we should first address the issue of lack of faith, and not just in this other person but rather in ourselves.

yes i've heard it all before, i've believed it all before, and i've managed to mechanically repeat the above lines to both jill and chelsea numerous times at all hours of the day and night, but that still doesn't help when i'm up at 3 am listening to nostalgic music in bed while my dog forages the clothes and books on the floor for chew toys (normally i keep the door shut, but sometimes a girl just needs to brave the dangers for some company at night).

more than anything i just wonder what the point is. there's nothing more depressing than losing sleep and cooking up vengeful thoughts towards a girl i don't even know, in fact it makes me feel like i'm back in high school again and bitchier than before. and then more than anything it makes me question the nature of the "love" i have for this girl's partner, and that's one of the last things i want in this world. but really, is it love...really? cause when i'm up at 3 am, it starts sounding more and more to me like co-dependance. i should celebrate the one i love, correct? wish him all the happiness in the world, because that is the loving thing to do. if nothing else, it makes me feel my age again.

and so, what is the point? because i know we all go through this. are we bored, misinformed, or simply not giving ourselves credit for the strong , beautiful people we are? and how can we experience so much ugliness in jealousy yet find ourselves repeating the process again and again? perhaps these are merely the words of a crazed, sleep-deprived woman of the world, but all i know is everything is screaming that this is one emotion that has just got to go for everyone's sake.

my own thoughts on purna

today i began a piece about the grand impact of consciously creating a positive sense of place. the reflection begins with a very well-placed fern outside of the small, dingy house i was living in my last few months in tacoma. at that point i was addressing serious discontent fueled by a stagnancy in my job, relationship, and need for self-exploration, as well as the emptiness that accompanies any time of significant transition and/or re-examination in life...at least i think. i know i was depressed. and i know that while it didn't fix everything, the fern certainly acted as my green, leafy, hope-filled beacon when i was fairly certain i'd lost everything to mold and neglect and disrepair.

so if you want to read this piece, do let me know, and i'll send it to you. but for now i'm thinking about my reflection of my reflection. how terribly meta-crazy can i get? just wait and i can make your eyes cross with the details of my psychology presentation senior year on metacognitive thinking, or you can just keep reading (for both our sakes, please).

after the first flow of words came to an end, i took a break and began thinking about the current state of my writer's life. my relationship with writing is quite similar to my relationship with place at this point; there's a passion for something substantial that is undermined by my inability to fully open and commit and say with certainty that this is what i want to do, or that this place is where i want to be, or even that this person is who i want to be with.

and to be honest the more i think about it, the more dissatisfied i am with this. you don't learn much by flitting in and out of situations and never fully inundating yourself in what is there, for better or for worse. and what good does it do to constantly looking for perfection when it is not something that can be found to begin with? from what i hear, it (or, rather, something close to it) is what you create.

this is what i know right now: i'm committed to working on establishing my portfolio (something a bit more gutsy and updated than my academic one) and exploring how my many different interests can add some depth to my writing. i'm committed to my move back to washington, and the work i will be doing for the tacoma farmers market. and as far as my relationship committments, they go to those who have always mattered to begin with.

this is a lot to take on, focus is more intimidating for me than chaos. perhaps what i am going for is a more organized chaos, with all the light-heartedness and less of the regrets transience has given me.

elusive employment, who needs benefits?

turns out i may not be feeding the homeless upon my move, because i will in fact be struggling to feed myself. it's another one of the mysteries of my life i am seeking the answer to: how i will go from being a completely competant and capable darling to a total moron in no time when confronted with the pressures of professionalism or a person i feel i must impress.

don't even ask about my interview, i choked for real, and all on speakerphone. i keep imagining my tinny little voice radiating out from the damn phone on a large wooden table in my interviewers' office in washington, uttering some indecipherable stupidity about helping the poor. aye, verguenza!

thank goodness the hippies at the farmers market dig me. but perhaps online surveys and dumpster diving will now be what pads my sad little income. or maybe it's back to the espresso bar for me. a degree means little when the economy sucks, my interviewing skills suck more, and i have had multiple trainings in latte art.

new twists on the same old thing

well, i landed myself a gig with the tacoma farmers market. basically i'll be a glorified volunteer, but i'll get to meet tons of people and make a little money to pad my income while i'm teaching people about sustainable living. not bad. i'm still waiting to hear back from the homeless shelter, once again i won't be hitting it rich anytime soon but i'll have benefits and plenty of paid vacation time and will really be making a difference. so that's good enough for me, of course. i just hope that my sunny self will be able to take the night-time hours.

the boise social scene and sleeping alone in a basement i haven't even fully moved into is starting to get the best of me. what do i want? my own place to unpack my stuff, two cats (a black and white one), and of course a darling boyfriend. but considering the schedule i'm going to be dealing with upon moving, i think that obtaining all of this is going to require some patience. if only i could be career-oriented, i wouldn't constantly be in search of so many elusive other elements to life. but then again, if that was the case, i certainly wouldn't have my menagerie of stories to tell or any of those other precious quirks that make me so memorable.

so we will deal.

in other news, i can now play the zills like a rockstar. watch out rachel brice. and i have a new choreographer/dancer crush on amy sigil of unmata who i am missing in washington this weekend. i'm sure we will meet again. if i was more savvy with this blog thing i'd post a video here, but unfortunately my attempt just failed so i will provide a link instead. ok i know it takes some more initiative on the part of you, the reader, but it's worth it. she's front and center, with all the tattoos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY83aFzK3x8

creating a culture of change

quite literally, in fact. and it's pretty easy to do on a small, kitchen scale. i've been all into the fermented foods thing lately thanks to a freaking amazing book called wild fermentation by sandor ellix katz. not only is it just about the easiest process in the world (you create the anaerobic, stable environment and let all the live microorganisms do their thang), you can ferment just about anything and it will remove toxins, make digestion easier, create vitamins (yay b vitamins), and preserve your food. i did mention it's easy, cause that's a big one for me, and it doesn't require much more than a crockpot or mason jar or other container to let your ferment stew. okay maybe something to keep it warm if you're making yogurt, but that's easily found or created itself.

i even convinced my family! knowing they were always buying those pasteurized jars of saurkraut from the store, i offered my services and promised not only a healthier, but a better tasting product (dare i mention LIVE one). all i needed: a few heads of cabbage, some sea salt, a mason jar, and a week or two. after the initial process of cutting, mashing, and letting the brine rise, i put the jars in the corner of the kitchen to ferment. my mom kept asking if i needed to do anything else to the saurkraut. at one point she was even worried i had forgotten about them and was letting a universe form unguided in her kitchen. in fact, that's exactly what i was doing.

on opening night, i was a little nervous they would be grossed out or not receptive to this homemade brew; i'm not going to lie, sometimes i get a little attached to my projects. so anyways, i watched my dad scoop up his first bite and then his next and was quite pleasantly surprised when i was complimented for my efforts, for the crunchier texture and stronger taste than the store bought substitute. and trust me, i'm not always met with this reaction when it comes to my new eating or health habits and my folks. so what i'm saying is...it's amazing, and i can't wait to get my own place so i can try tons of different ferments without getting in everyone's way.

katz talks about all of us needing to get out of this hygienic culture thrown at us by the corporate, standardized food products we run into in the grocery aisles (and for that matter in the cleaning aisles too). and i guess i don't understand why people will settle for chemical additives in their food but are freaked out by a few naturally occuring microbes. sure stuff happens, and ill beneficial microbes do exist, but honestly it's all the crazy chemical stuff that we ingest everyday that is getting us all into a lot more trouble. but then again, i was down to bathe in rainwater for months on end, and wash our dishes in it too, so i guess i'm on a different spectrum than most people.

In closing, i love this: "wild fermentation is a way of incorporating the wild into your body, becoming one with the natural world," writes katz. and hell, i'm always down for more wild.

the fine times of '09

here's my first attempt at something poetic in a while. be kind, it's raw. and many blessings on this new year's day.

Things you missed

How the day opened like a throat
reaching for a high note
and the tendrils of clouds
collapsed together
to release the rain.

How I rolled a napkin into a tulip
and placed it on the table beside me,
an offering
to whatever is whole out there.
To whatever spins this cycle anew.

My growing hair
and sturdier frame,
the small change
of habit and dialect
that come from knowing
other people and places.

Deeper breaths,
quicker steps
not so heavy
with the relentless
saturation of years
and intentions
to drown oneself in another.